Bummer Day

Today I have been feeling sorry for myself. I just had another ovarian cyst rupture I've had a couple rupture in the past. It hurts like the dickens! I have PCOS which doesn't help and I've been taking fertility drugs the last few months.This last rupture could've been from the cyst getting bumped while pulling weeds on Saturday, it could be from overstimulation from the fertility drugs. It could be a combination of a few different things, but one thing I do know is that it hurts. My husband has been so kind and I've been able to cancel my students and just teach a couple the past two days. I'm feeling better, but I'm feeling bummed out.

I told Anthony yesterday that I was bummed. I'm bummed because another friend just announced she is expecting. Less than two weeks ago I had one good friend and a cousin announce they are pregnant as well. So many around me are expecting babies and I'm sitting over here making and rupturing ovarian cysts. All the while pumping my body with crazy amounts of fertility drugs that make my hormones go wacky. Poor Anthony has dealt with a lot these past few weeks. I'll clue you in on some of the side effects I've faced in the past 2 weeks, nausea (most days), dizziness (everyday), headaches (everyday), Migraines (4 in the last 3 weeks), anxiety (from the fertility drugs), hot flashes and night sweats (they come and go, but were going strong for a couple weeks), food aversions, fatigue (has only been getting worse), cramps, sore bosoms, irritation (PMS like symptoms), crying at the drop of a hat, anger out of nowhere, and many others.

This is the life of someone with inferility who has to take fertility drugs in order to even think about having a family. This is what is going on under the surface. It takes a toll each month, especially when we don't conceive. It's been five and a half years of taking a toll. It's like my body is fighting against me to do the one thing that should come natural. It hurts to know that my body isn't doing what it should. It makes me mad at times. It makes me frustrated that others can just blink and get pregnant while others have to pay a ton of money, go through treatments that could very well make you go insane, and constantly be asked, "Do you have kids?" "Why don't you have kids?" "Have you thought about doing (insert any type of treatment)" "I heard that so and so did this and was successful, have you thought about such and such?" "Have you thought about adoption?". It gets frustrating being asked so many VERY personal questions. Or someone will say "Oh I know how that is, my husband and I had to try for ___ months to get pregnant" "It'll happen when you least expect it", "My sister stopped worrying about it and it happened", "Just relax", "You'll be blessed with children when the time is right". These things hurt. The thing is they are trying to help and that they mean well, but these things they say only make things worse. It hurts my heart each time I have to tell someone an answer to one of these questions, while I keep a smile on my face. It gets tiring being "strong" and keeping a smile on my face.

Now I know so many other women and men face horrible trials that are so much worse. I know that I've been very blessed in my life, but this trial is so so hard for Anthony and me. Everyone goes through trials that are hard for them. This is just one that Anthony and I have been given. Some days I feel like giving up. I wonder if it will all be worth it. If we'll get the end result we've been praying for. It's hard to keep going when you're pushing your body, mind, and soul past boundaries you never thought were possible. It's hard to see those you love get the one blessing you've been praying, hoping and putting yourself through heck to have.

I know this post is a "wo is me" post, but it is true. These are thoughts and feelings that I'm having right now. These are thoughts and feelings I deal with every day. I just have to choose to not let them get to me, but every now and then they do. I'm human. The one thing that I know I will never do is give up. Some days I feel like that is the only thing I can do. I know that one day my children will read these blog posts and see that their mother really wanted them here. That their father really wanted them here. That we loved them so much before they even got here. That we pushed ourselves beyond what we thought we could possibly handle physically, emotionally and spiritually to get them here. I hope that they will realize how loved they are and how much we love them already even though we haven't met them yet. We don't know how they will come to us, all we know is that we are following the promptings that we've been given in making decisions on what treatments to do and how far to push ourselves.

I read this quote today and I thought it was perfect to how I am feeling today.

“I do not think God in his glory or the angels of heaven or the prophets on earth intend to make us happy all the time, every day in every way, given the testing and trial this earthly realm is intended to provide.  As President James E. Faust once phrased it: “Happiness is not given to us in a package that we can just open up and consume.  Nobody,” he said, “is ever happy 24 hours a day, seven days a week.” 
               -Jeffrey R. Holland

I know that it is ok to have bummer days. It is ok to not be happy 24/7. Life is hard. Life is also awesome and wonderful. I'm thankful I read this quote and found solace in it.

My hope is that others out there reading this know that it's ok to feel these feelings. You are not alone, and I hope that those that are blessed to never have to go through any infertility realize that just being there for someone with infertility means a lot. They don't need to help them find a cure or something that will be a miracle worker for their fertility, they just need you to listen and support them.