Hardest Post to Write

     This is a post that is very hard for me to write, but I need to talk about this to more than just a few people. It is amazing how many people deal with infertility. I know that I'm not alone. 7.3 million people deal with infertility. This figure represents 12% of women childbearing age or 1 in 8 couples (2002 National Survey of Family Growth). Approximately one-third of infertility is attributed to the female partner, one-third attributed to the male partner and one-third is caused by a combination of problems in both partners or, is unexplained. 

     Anthony and I have been trying to expand our family for 3 1/2 years now. It has felt like an eternity. It's been the hardest thing that I've ever had to go through and deal with. It has been so painful I can't even go into to many details. The pain is still so raw, but I've found a way to deal with it all. One of the things that has helped me through this is that I have an amazing husband who knows what to say at the right time and sees the "big picture" of it all. I know that we are promised a family, it just hasn't happened yet. I've had to learn the Lord's timing and patience. I always thought that by this time we would have two kids already. I mean, we've been married for almost 4 years now. I think what makes it hardest is that being a mother is so ingrained in my spirit. I know that I'm supposed to be a mother, but I have to wait. Prayer, faith, hope, love, and understanding of the Lord's timing and promises has helped me to deal with everything. I'm so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father. He is amazing.

     Our infertility is unexplained. It is a crazy thing to even imagine. If it was a problem that they could pinpoint we could take care of it and know our options. Having our infertility be unexplained, I've had ever test imaginable and they have found nothing wrong, but I know that it is something going on with my body. Knowing that my body is the thing that is keeping us from becoming parents is the hardest thing that I've had to deal with. 

     I've taken so many different types of pills/drugs to help, but the side effects were horrible. I would do anything to make it possible to have children. It was worth the side effects even if they were weight gain, depression, horrible migraines, pains in my abdomen and the havoc they wreaked on my women parts. But after 2 years of pills/drugs I gave up. The only options we have left are to either have a procedure done (which the cheapest one is $5,000 and because my infertility is unexplained I would only have a 10% chance of it actually working the next process is more invasive and $15,000) or adoption which we are open to, but just haven't started the whole process. 

    I felt inspired to start running which I've written about in other posts. I've started to eat more healthy. I've lost 40 pounds since I started. I feel so much better about myself. I stopped taking those fertility drugs and the weight has just been flying off. It's such a relief!  I've started to go to a nutritionist and my body is feeling better than ever. I'm proud of myself. I've had muscles I've never had before! I plan on continuing to run, exercise and eat healthier for the rest of my life. 

     It's hard to see friends, family, and many others having children. It's harder to see those that seem to be unfit parents get pregnant over and over again, but I don't know what's going on in their lives. I don't know really who they are, just what I see on the outside and who am I to judge. It's hard to see so many others get pregnant. I want what they have. I know Heavenly Father has things planned out for me. I know Anthony and I will have children one day. I just need to be patient.

    So many people have advice for those that are "trying" to get pregnant. Those things they say, while I know they are trying to be helpful and nice, it just hurts. You'd think after 3 1/2 years of trying I would have tried all those things already. I have and they haven't helped me personally. 

   While going through this journey of infertility, I've seen all the blessings that have been given to Anthony and I in the process. We have both finished school, Anthony has a wonderful and stable job, I have 13 piano students that I am so thankful for, and Anthony and I have so much more time together. Spending more time with him has been such a blessing. We can enjoy our time together more because we don't have much else to worry about. 

     From this post, I hope that it helped to inform you a little more, and help you to understand me a little  better. There are many more couples out there like Anthony and I. Just be there for them and support them in all that they are going through. That's all that they want and need. Thank you all for supporting me and reading this post.

A Little More About Me...

     I'm not trying to narcissistic, but I did want to write more about me and who I am as a person. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know who I am, a daughter of God, and because of this knowledge I'm so blessed.
     I just graduated from Cal State San Bernardino with my BA in Sociology. I haven't used my degree in any way as of yet, and don't plan on using it any time soon. I currently teach piano lessons to 13 awesome people; mostly kids and they are awesome! I love teaching piano. It is my passion. It doesn't feel like a job to me at all. I look forward to teaching piano every single day. I have played the piano for about 17 years. Crazy I know! I love that I'm able to share my talents and passion with so many others in such a way that it can and has changed their lives.
     Anthony and I are enjoying our time together without many other obligations to worry about. I love being out of school and having him home more often. It's the best.
    Anthony and I just got TV. We've been married just shy of 4 years and haven't ever had cable. Many people thought we were crazy, but with both of us being full time students, and working 2-3 jobs each, we weren't home much. By the time we got home is was late and we had homework to complete. Plus it seems like everything on that late is not worth watching anyway. Now that we are both finished with school and Anthony has settled into his job and I've enjoyed teaching piano (and after getting an awesome deal) we decided to give tv another try. It was set up this past week and Anthony is loving his sports channel and I'm enjoying "The Price is Right", "Jeopardy", "Wheel of Fortune" and "House Hunters". I'm looking forward to watching "The Amazing Race"  and "The Voice" on tv rather than on the internet. What seems to boggle my mind though, is that now that we have tv, I don't even really care to watch it much. I have never been a big TV show watcher anyway, but I realized there is a bunch of junk on tv now! Oh well, we like it for the sports and occasional game show! : )
     As I've shared in previous posts, I really enjoy running. It's weird to think that I would ever say those words, but its true. Running is now a new passion of mine. Well not just running, but working out in general. I feel so much better about myself because I'm exercising and losing weight. I'm happier and have more energy. I sleep better at night and don't crave sugar as much anymore. I never thought that I could do all this without going on a diet, but it's possible! Eating healthy and exercising is the best way to lose weight. It's not a quick fix, like all the fad diets out there, but it is a long-lasting positive change that will stick with me for the rest of my life. Eating healthy and exercising is a  lifestyle.
    I have an amazing family. I have awesome in-laws. I love all of them so much. Anthony is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is the love of my life and my best friend. I'm so thankful to be able to be with him for eternity. That's right, I don't believe in "to death do us part". I know that families are eternal and they continue on after this life. That is such a huge blessing.
     I continue to learn new things about myself everyday. I'm trying to become a better person and push myself to be more understanding, loving, charitable and forgiving. It's not easy, but I know that as I do this I will become the person that my Heavenly Father wants me to be. I know that He will help me through to become the best me possible.
    There is a lot going on in my life right now. Some really hard and personal trials that I've been dealing with for many years. Some of you already know, but some don't. I will post about this later as I know it will help me to talk to others about it. 
     I know that so many of us are going through hard times and it sometimes feels unbearable. Don't give up. Keep your chin up. Things will get better. One thing I've learned to do is to look at the big picture. It's hard to do, but once you can see the big picture of your situation, you learn more about yourself and what you can do to get through those hard times. Also you have the Lord on your side. He knows and understands you and what you are going through. What a blessing! 
    These are just a few things about me. Let me know if there is anything else that you would like to know about me or if there is any way that I can help you! I
  
   

Learning New Things...

     There are a few things that I have been trying to learn over the last few years. They are patience and the Lord's timing. Heavenly Father knows what we need and when we need it. A bonus is that in the process of learning these life lessons, our experiences help to make us better people.
     Speaking with my husband last night, I realized how truly blessed I am. I think that these are the things that I'll be trying to learn throughout the rest of my life. I'm so blessed with a loving husband who is very understanding. I'm so thankful for all the time we get to spend together (especially since we are both completed with school as of last December).
     Life doesn't always happen the way that we've planned for, but our loving Heavenly Father has more in store for us. I know this and I'm thankful for the many things I've learned and been blessed with while waiting for certain things to happen in my life.