Bummer Day

Today I have been feeling sorry for myself. I just had another ovarian cyst rupture I've had a couple rupture in the past. It hurts like the dickens! I have PCOS which doesn't help and I've been taking fertility drugs the last few months.This last rupture could've been from the cyst getting bumped while pulling weeds on Saturday, it could be from overstimulation from the fertility drugs. It could be a combination of a few different things, but one thing I do know is that it hurts. My husband has been so kind and I've been able to cancel my students and just teach a couple the past two days. I'm feeling better, but I'm feeling bummed out.

I told Anthony yesterday that I was bummed. I'm bummed because another friend just announced she is expecting. Less than two weeks ago I had one good friend and a cousin announce they are pregnant as well. So many around me are expecting babies and I'm sitting over here making and rupturing ovarian cysts. All the while pumping my body with crazy amounts of fertility drugs that make my hormones go wacky. Poor Anthony has dealt with a lot these past few weeks. I'll clue you in on some of the side effects I've faced in the past 2 weeks, nausea (most days), dizziness (everyday), headaches (everyday), Migraines (4 in the last 3 weeks), anxiety (from the fertility drugs), hot flashes and night sweats (they come and go, but were going strong for a couple weeks), food aversions, fatigue (has only been getting worse), cramps, sore bosoms, irritation (PMS like symptoms), crying at the drop of a hat, anger out of nowhere, and many others.

This is the life of someone with inferility who has to take fertility drugs in order to even think about having a family. This is what is going on under the surface. It takes a toll each month, especially when we don't conceive. It's been five and a half years of taking a toll. It's like my body is fighting against me to do the one thing that should come natural. It hurts to know that my body isn't doing what it should. It makes me mad at times. It makes me frustrated that others can just blink and get pregnant while others have to pay a ton of money, go through treatments that could very well make you go insane, and constantly be asked, "Do you have kids?" "Why don't you have kids?" "Have you thought about doing (insert any type of treatment)" "I heard that so and so did this and was successful, have you thought about such and such?" "Have you thought about adoption?". It gets frustrating being asked so many VERY personal questions. Or someone will say "Oh I know how that is, my husband and I had to try for ___ months to get pregnant" "It'll happen when you least expect it", "My sister stopped worrying about it and it happened", "Just relax", "You'll be blessed with children when the time is right". These things hurt. The thing is they are trying to help and that they mean well, but these things they say only make things worse. It hurts my heart each time I have to tell someone an answer to one of these questions, while I keep a smile on my face. It gets tiring being "strong" and keeping a smile on my face.

Now I know so many other women and men face horrible trials that are so much worse. I know that I've been very blessed in my life, but this trial is so so hard for Anthony and me. Everyone goes through trials that are hard for them. This is just one that Anthony and I have been given. Some days I feel like giving up. I wonder if it will all be worth it. If we'll get the end result we've been praying for. It's hard to keep going when you're pushing your body, mind, and soul past boundaries you never thought were possible. It's hard to see those you love get the one blessing you've been praying, hoping and putting yourself through heck to have.

I know this post is a "wo is me" post, but it is true. These are thoughts and feelings that I'm having right now. These are thoughts and feelings I deal with every day. I just have to choose to not let them get to me, but every now and then they do. I'm human. The one thing that I know I will never do is give up. Some days I feel like that is the only thing I can do. I know that one day my children will read these blog posts and see that their mother really wanted them here. That their father really wanted them here. That we loved them so much before they even got here. That we pushed ourselves beyond what we thought we could possibly handle physically, emotionally and spiritually to get them here. I hope that they will realize how loved they are and how much we love them already even though we haven't met them yet. We don't know how they will come to us, all we know is that we are following the promptings that we've been given in making decisions on what treatments to do and how far to push ourselves.

I read this quote today and I thought it was perfect to how I am feeling today.

“I do not think God in his glory or the angels of heaven or the prophets on earth intend to make us happy all the time, every day in every way, given the testing and trial this earthly realm is intended to provide.  As President James E. Faust once phrased it: “Happiness is not given to us in a package that we can just open up and consume.  Nobody,” he said, “is ever happy 24 hours a day, seven days a week.” 
               -Jeffrey R. Holland

I know that it is ok to have bummer days. It is ok to not be happy 24/7. Life is hard. Life is also awesome and wonderful. I'm thankful I read this quote and found solace in it.

My hope is that others out there reading this know that it's ok to feel these feelings. You are not alone, and I hope that those that are blessed to never have to go through any infertility realize that just being there for someone with infertility means a lot. They don't need to help them find a cure or something that will be a miracle worker for their fertility, they just need you to listen and support them. 

The Joy of Weeds

This last month we received some much needed rain. This rain brought us some beautiful flowers, green leaves on trees, and fruit in our garden. It was a blessing to receive it all. With the rain we also received many weeds. They grew bigger than the flowers and plants in our garden. Something needed to be done.

So today as I’ve been pulling weeds outside I realized, how often when it rains on us figuratively, do we let the weeds grow. When we have trial after trial, do we let the flowers grow and blossom through our trials or do we let the weeds grow and fester until we break down?

In the past I’ve let the weeds grow, turn into depression and anger against other women who have had the blessing of having children. Every now and then I find myself heading back into that weed infested garden. Other times I’ve experienced the beauty of the flowers from my trial. I’ve become more loving, empathetic, understanding and spiritual as a result of my trials. I love being an aunt and holding and loving my family and friend’s babies.

Every day I have to make the decision whether I will look for the beauty in each day, or if I will look for the weeds. I can tell you that looking for the beauty is more rewarding and challenging. It is challenging because it is easy to fall into the trap of being upset at seeing others with what you don’t have. When you are looking for it, you’ll see it everywhere. With that much focus you can easily fall into anger, depression and all sorts of bummer thoughts. Instead, when you see what you want everywhere take a moment to feel what you need to, and then look forward to the future. Look for the blessings in your life and I promise you’ll see how much you are loved by our Heavenly Father.

I think I’ll finish this post with one of my favorite quotes:

“Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family.”

                      Thomas S. Monson

Bad Days and Realizations

This past week has been a rough one for me emotionally. As I was talking with a friend yesterday she told me that it is ok for everyone to have bad days. I’ve been trying so long to keep my chin up and pretend that I am always happy and content with life, when in reality, I’m sad many days. That’s not to say that I’m never happy, I’m happy most of the time, but why do I try to hide when I’m sad or having a hard day? This is something that I’ve been putting a lot of thought into since last night.

I’ve realized that it really is ok to have bad days. It’s good for others to see that you’re human. There is something freeing about admitting you are having a hard time emotionally, physically, spiritually or whatever and talk it through with someone you can trust. As I’ve opened up to others, they open up with me and we commiserate together. There is something comforting in having someone mourn with you and just listen.

It is ok to wish, want and hope for things that seem like a distant dream. We all have to grieve for the ideas of things we wanted that haven’t happened. For me it’s the idea of having 2 or more kids by now in our almost 6 years of marriage; the idea of getting my master’s degree in Music Therapy and working in my dream job. It’s an idea of having my life work out the way that I had planned it to, hoped it to, but in reality things don’t always go the way we plan. I’m actually very thankful for that.

I’m a different person than I was 5 years ago. I’m different because of the many experiences I’ve been through. I’m different because of the people I’ve met and shared my story with. They have touched my heart and helped me more than they will ever realize. I’m different because of having to rely more on my Savior and strengthening my faith that things will work out in time. I’m different because I’ve learned to be thankful for the many blessings that I have in my life, to truly be thankful.  I’ve been so richly blessed. I can’t lose sight of all the many blessings I have because of the one thing I want more than anything else, isn’t happening. The trials I’ve faced, that Anthony and I have faced together, have changed me for the better, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t have bad days or every now and then. I am human after all. We are all human.

We all have wanted things that we haven’t been given. We’ve all had rough trials that don’t seem fair. Trials that we feel we may never get through. Most of the time, I don’t think we completely get over every trial. We can get through our trials, but a part of us changes through each. We learn more of who we are as we go through challenges. I can see how important it has been to confide in others and share my story and have them share theirs with me.

I’m thankful for my friend who recognized that I needed someone to talk to yesterday; who let me know that it really is ok to have a bad day. I look forward to acknowledging my feelings more and being ok with being sad when I’m sad and being happy when I’m happy and living in the now rather in the “what if”.

Looking Forward to this New Year

I’ve been going back and forth with wanting to write more posts for our blog. I’ve decided that I should keep writing posts because it helps to write out my thoughts and feelings. I know that through reading other blogs, I’ve found support and friendship and I want to offer that to others.

There are many things that have happened since I last posted. So here are the main things that have happened:

Anthony and I celebrated one year in our new house! We love our house and look forward to all the improvements we plan on making this year; Especially with our garden and landscaping.

We got a puppy for Christmas! Anthony surprised me with a puppy for Christmas.

I was up in Idaho celebrating my brother-in-law’s graduation in December, and we skyped to do a gift exchange with all my siblings. Anthony said that he got my Christmas present and wanted to show me right then over Skype. Then he picked up our puppy, and I was completely shocked and excited. She is a miniature Australian Shepherd and we named her Mazie. She is such a cute and smart puppy. We’ve been having fun getting to know her personality and training her to do some cool tricks.

It is so nice to have a dog to take care of, another someone to take care of and love unconditionally. It is so hard to go month after month dealing with our infertility, hoping that this month would be our month, but having a puppy helps heal that missing piece in our hearts. It’s amazing how Mazie has come into our lives and has brought so much joy in such a short amount of time.

We have gone through 5 ½ years of infertility.

This past year we have received many answers and are headed in the right direction. It’s nice to have more answers and know that we are closer to having our dreams come true, but it still is the hardest thing we’ve ever had to go through. I’m thankful that we haven’t had other more challenging trials that others deal with every day, but to us this is so so hard. Through all of these years, I have to say, Anthony and I have grown so much. Our relationship is so much stronger than ever. I look back at the almost 6 years we’ve been married, and see that if we had children come to us earlier in our marriage, I would be a totally different mother then, than I would be today. I know that I will be more loving, patient, kind, and thoughtful mother now because of what I’ve been through these last 5 years. There are many reasons why I’ve come to this realization, and that’s for another post altogether, but through this trial we have received many blessings that I am truly thankful.

These are the three biggest things that have happened this last year. We are looking forward to this year being the best year ever.