Hardest Post to Write

     This is a post that is very hard for me to write, but I need to talk about this to more than just a few people. It is amazing how many people deal with infertility. I know that I'm not alone. 7.3 million people deal with infertility. This figure represents 12% of women childbearing age or 1 in 8 couples (2002 National Survey of Family Growth). Approximately one-third of infertility is attributed to the female partner, one-third attributed to the male partner and one-third is caused by a combination of problems in both partners or, is unexplained. 

     Anthony and I have been trying to expand our family for 3 1/2 years now. It has felt like an eternity. It's been the hardest thing that I've ever had to go through and deal with. It has been so painful I can't even go into to many details. The pain is still so raw, but I've found a way to deal with it all. One of the things that has helped me through this is that I have an amazing husband who knows what to say at the right time and sees the "big picture" of it all. I know that we are promised a family, it just hasn't happened yet. I've had to learn the Lord's timing and patience. I always thought that by this time we would have two kids already. I mean, we've been married for almost 4 years now. I think what makes it hardest is that being a mother is so ingrained in my spirit. I know that I'm supposed to be a mother, but I have to wait. Prayer, faith, hope, love, and understanding of the Lord's timing and promises has helped me to deal with everything. I'm so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father. He is amazing.

     Our infertility is unexplained. It is a crazy thing to even imagine. If it was a problem that they could pinpoint we could take care of it and know our options. Having our infertility be unexplained, I've had ever test imaginable and they have found nothing wrong, but I know that it is something going on with my body. Knowing that my body is the thing that is keeping us from becoming parents is the hardest thing that I've had to deal with. 

     I've taken so many different types of pills/drugs to help, but the side effects were horrible. I would do anything to make it possible to have children. It was worth the side effects even if they were weight gain, depression, horrible migraines, pains in my abdomen and the havoc they wreaked on my women parts. But after 2 years of pills/drugs I gave up. The only options we have left are to either have a procedure done (which the cheapest one is $5,000 and because my infertility is unexplained I would only have a 10% chance of it actually working the next process is more invasive and $15,000) or adoption which we are open to, but just haven't started the whole process. 

    I felt inspired to start running which I've written about in other posts. I've started to eat more healthy. I've lost 40 pounds since I started. I feel so much better about myself. I stopped taking those fertility drugs and the weight has just been flying off. It's such a relief!  I've started to go to a nutritionist and my body is feeling better than ever. I'm proud of myself. I've had muscles I've never had before! I plan on continuing to run, exercise and eat healthier for the rest of my life. 

     It's hard to see friends, family, and many others having children. It's harder to see those that seem to be unfit parents get pregnant over and over again, but I don't know what's going on in their lives. I don't know really who they are, just what I see on the outside and who am I to judge. It's hard to see so many others get pregnant. I want what they have. I know Heavenly Father has things planned out for me. I know Anthony and I will have children one day. I just need to be patient.

    So many people have advice for those that are "trying" to get pregnant. Those things they say, while I know they are trying to be helpful and nice, it just hurts. You'd think after 3 1/2 years of trying I would have tried all those things already. I have and they haven't helped me personally. 

   While going through this journey of infertility, I've seen all the blessings that have been given to Anthony and I in the process. We have both finished school, Anthony has a wonderful and stable job, I have 13 piano students that I am so thankful for, and Anthony and I have so much more time together. Spending more time with him has been such a blessing. We can enjoy our time together more because we don't have much else to worry about. 

     From this post, I hope that it helped to inform you a little more, and help you to understand me a little  better. There are many more couples out there like Anthony and I. Just be there for them and support them in all that they are going through. That's all that they want and need. Thank you all for supporting me and reading this post.